becoming // it's personal

a while ago i shared about shaving my head and have since shared a bit more about what it meant to me. it's time for an update, people.

obviously my hair is not long. however, after being nearly-bald the two inches i've grown now make me feel like rapunzel up there. i've had to increase my shampoo rations from dime to nickel-sized blobs- girl grows up.

i went through this period between cutting my hair super-short and eventually buzzing it off where every 2 weeks i would start attacking my hair. the 2 week interval wasn't planned, it was just around that point where i would get really anxious and act out with scissors. i probably should have been heavily medicated (what did they do with britney when she went psychotic bald?) but what the hell, i was finding myself. there is so much energy in our hair, and as i cut it off the first time i felt like chains were literally falling off my body and i was maybe going to float away. after i shaved it i finally realized that's why i'd kept attacking it- i hadn't really done the deal. since then i've only slightly trimmed it but for the most part i've left it alone.

i feel like i'm growing with my hair. this week the faux hawk came down, and i may or may not have had moist eyes ("moist"- ew/cringe) - see, ever since i cut it off, my hair hasn't been about what i look like. it's been about defense. it's been about vulnerability. it's been about discovery.

anyway, i've pretty consistently had a bit of a spike (minus the bald period), this is what it's been about: "KEEP AWAY! just give me a REASON and i will grind your pathetic face in gravel and then KILL you (accompanied by jerky hand gestures to emphasize the significant words like "gravel" and "kill" and show you how tough i am not)."

that makes me sound mean. in a way, i've been a bit bristly (although in comparison to the meek and mousy version of myself while i was a raging codependent, i'm gonna seem that way regardless). i guess you can kind of compare it to an injured bunny that morphed into a rabid pitbull someone just stabbed.

you get the picture:

me before = bunny
me during intense trauma therapy = rabid animal
me finally coming into myself = hungry bear awakening from hibernation?

i like the comparison of me to a bear. those beasts are cra and by cra i mean amazing. they're known for being deadly protective of the babies, but they don't go around raging at the world all the time to prove they're capable of ripping out a trachea or popping a couple of lungs after opening some wretch's chest. they know they can take care of themselves if need be, so for the most part they just ramble around enjoying grass and berries or whatever, playing in rivers, being awesome. plus, nobody messes with a bear. not even lions. well maybe lions, if they lived on the same terrain (but i make up they could hold their own in that hypothetical situation).

so if you've caught the drift of my metaphor, this is the part where i say goodbye to my spiky hair and hello to whatever it grows into next- like me. goodbye old heart-hurts, hello possibility. i can be a ranting raging foam-spitting lunatic if i need to be, but no sense in acting like a wounded animal when all really is well, 'cause i'm not anymore.

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i'm baaack // words about dependency

you may be asking what happened to my creative momentum on this site the past week. um:

- got new job
- training for said job
- figuring out living arrangement
- sniveling about hobo/homeless bohemian gypsy lifestyle to anyone with an ear and 5 hours of pity
- relapse in my raging addiction to desperate housewives (i'm on season 7, dude)
- thrift store binges

most of my adult life i have complained about dependency. it infuriates me to no end to be dependent on anyone for anything- having to admit that i have needs and admitting that i can't be 100% independent of the human race. i have an enormously obscene and fragile ego which needs constant affirmation, and when i alone am insufficient in providing for myself in any way (emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, socially), the ugly Ego nashes it's teeth and desires to destroy expensive things.

this Ego has incessantly played the "shoulds" over and over in my mind: i SHOULD be able to financially support myself 100%, i SHOULD be able to figure this out on my own, i SHOULD be trying harder, i SHOULDN'T have such a hard time being a sober woman, i SHOULDN'T need a second opinion on major decisions, and i SHOULD have my life pulled together with it's face clean and hair brushed in sunday best, a pressed white shirt waiting for a spaghetti dinner.

well guess what? i occasionally need a friend to cry with. sometimes i just can't make it on my own because i can't make enough money to take care of myself. every once in a while, staying sober is really difficult for me and i need support from other people who know what i'm dealing with and have been there. i need to have individual and community successes. sometimes i even NEED people to let go of me, and if fall on my face i will be stronger (and sport a lot more facial callouses- baby BABY).

the truth is, nobody "has it all together," we just expect the people we care about to have composed themselves by squashing out their particular brand of crazy dysfunction. the thought is: "i can solve your problems and whats-the-matter-with-you for not taking suggestion! by the way, don't try to give ME advice because i'm either going to shoot you down or ignore you completely."

all of this makes me separate. being determined to arrive at true independence isolates me emotionally. this thinking sets me apart from humanity under the false and somewhat subconscious pretense that i'm actually above you not in this with you.

the truth: i am not better and i am not worse than any other human being. you need me as much as i need you even though i occasionally resent you for it.

today i met the little kids with autism that i'm going to be working 1x1 with for my new job. i had an epiphany that shifted my attitude of separateness and pride.

see, we all have the same basic needs, the difference between higher and lower functioning individuals is that lower functioning people aren't able to communicate what those are and they need assistance a lot more profoundly. example, babies vs. teens. also, with the special kids that are non verbal or struggling to figure this world out, there's a lot of guessing, testing, prompting, and therapy to figure out what they need and help them learn how to communicate those needs more effectively.

by the way, people with autism prefer to stay in their own world. they like alone time, avoid interaction, and try to isolate as much as possible in one way or another. as therapists, our job is to help these kids integrate and learn how to do for themselves as much as they're capable of, and ask for help with the rest. they are pushed to join the social, physical, and emotional aspects of society, so they can be as typical as possible, and here i am resenting the fact that i already know how to do it and just don't want to because i'm "above" .. waah?

some of my needs are met through experience and retention when i've been taught how to do things for myself. the most critical is that of being able to ASK for help when i'm not enough on my own. i need other people and tonight i'm sincerely grateful that i am capable of asking for help when i am in need, and for reaching my own hand out to other beating hearts.

on an semi-related note, i realize i was going to post a journal prompt and i failed to do so this past week. here's a topic in case anyone wishes to join, or wants to follow my process. basically whatever stood out to you in this post, do a page about! here's mine:

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a word about clothing..

dear internet,

i want to officially announce that my days in sweats are over- i've been defined by my "uniform" and i have finally shed it at the end of 5 long years. the past 3 weeks have been a storm of self discovery, new meds to tone down the psycho, several anonymous meetings (AA, for example. admitting this in the spirit of transparency..), and solidifying the life i want. i've been frantically searching for a job, working on a million projects for my biz which will be appearing on my blog over the next few weeks, and spending time with fantastic friends who support me in a special kind of way.

i was talking to one of these friends and had this realization: the way i dress has never been for me. i've worn sweats as a defense, they have kept me safe from men and from myself. the nice clothes i've bought have been to impress or seduce, and whenever i've been shopping and liked something, i have consistently thought "eh, this is nice but i can't afford this. what's the point in getting it when it won't get me anything or protect me from the world (aka the theme of my sweats days)? no, i definitely can't afford this." how sad is that?

anyway this friend pointed this out to me and for some reason it was a big A-HA moment and the next day i went to ross and bought 3 sundresses. i've wanted cute sundresses for a while but they always seemed like an unnecessary expense because i wanted them for ME. now i realize that i literally can't afford anything that ISN'T for me. it's not about money, it's about self love and validation. i've never been GOOD enough for something i liked to be worth the expense, yet what i was buying fed my unhealthy self image on two ends of the extreme spectrum.. amazing how crazy my mind can be in it's deception.

as of this week, i've worn a dress everyday, even when i've been sitting at home. it's okay to feel pretty, that doesn't make me VULNERABLE and/or SLUTTY (depending on how i'm dressing up or down). i have a friend who's going to photograph me in one of my dresses with my camera soon:) i'm excited to be on the other side of the camera for the exact reason i love photographing other people- to show them the beauty that is inherently theirs and to spark or solidify self-love. i'm a strong, capable, independent woman. i dress for myself now, it doesn't matter to me if others like what they see. the important thing is that I DO now, and that my friends, is priceless.



so now i want to ask YOU: what is it that you neglect when it comes to yourself? how have you perpetuated old ideas about the "truth" lies you've believed about yourself or your circumstances? what do you want to do to break the cycle, because believe me, whoever you are you are good enough and you deserve to be loved, by your Self. after all, our reality is just a compilation of the stories we make up based on our experiences, and the TRUTH is so much bigger than that.

love,
heather Pin It Now!

i'm back..

i went home for a week and then i spent a fantastic week in florida with my family. I'll write more and post pictures when I have a chance.
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first attempt with film

my grandpa let me borrow his old film camera. i'm in love. these were taken in the backyard on the 4th of july, i just got the film back today! i can't wait to play around with it some more, now that i sort of know what i'm doing! i need to take someone out and shoot somewhere cool. Pin It Now!

lake

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muse

photography connects my heart to this world. i don't just mean when i am taking pictures, in fact, i view the act of photographing as the path, and the end result as the connection. i lose myself in the adventure of photographing, but when i am sitting at my computer working on and viewing my photographs, or when i spend hours and hours looking at photographs from other artists, that's when i feel this intense.. feeling. it's hard to describe. maybe i just feel alive, i find meaning, i feel connected in a spiritual way to life.

i flipped through a book at the library yesterday, one i wouldn't normally look through. the whole book is about creating and investing in meaning. i got goose bumps as i read, the words giving me this liberation from mindsets that i've had for so much of my life. i don't agree with absolutely everything in the book, but i loved the idea of investing in meaning. meaning is subjective and completely individual.

usually i try not to be too personal on this blog, but i have to share. this past year has been incredibly difficult and life changing. honestly i feel like i am starting over, completely rebuilding my life temporally, emotionally, physically, mentally, everything.

i am entering a new phase in my life, and i feel very quiet, as though i'm standing at the edge of the world, darkness at my back, light in front of me. i stand quietly contemplating what i'm about to embark on, getting ready to take my first step. i've been searching for meaning in the dark but now i'm beginning to create meaning in the light. when i say in the light i mean the light of the new way that i see myself and the world.

photography draws me forward. it has been there through the ups and downs of my life, giving me a life line at times, and enhancing the beauty at others. there is something elusive about it though, perhaps because i'm not sure why i am so attached to this visual art, so i pursue it in various ways subconciously hoping that i will get to the heart.

i am searching for a new vein to explore, a new way to connect to the heart of life, of my life. somehow i know that photography is the answer. when i make the discovery, you will know. it will be apparent in my art. i'm not talking about weddings, although i dearly love my clients and bits of me are refelcted in my work. however, that work is for them, it is theirs. i suppose my work for others is an investment in making meaning in my life by helping others see the meaning that they have created in their lives.

i hope to share the meaning i find in life here on this blog, alongside the work that i do for others. perhaps eventually this blog will be less of a marketing tool and more of a personal, photographic expression of the meaning i have created in my life, as well as my depiction of the meaning that others have found as well. Pin It Now!

a few photos from the weekend

any picture looks so cool after a quick run through the instagram app. i'm a fan. :) p.s. there are a ton more photos on my personal blog.

oh anthropology, someday we will be such good friends:

i love urban outfitters and want everything sold there, both clothing and merchandise. pictured above is their lomography film camera set up. one of each, please. below is pictured a few of their record albums (i LOVE album art), i found 4 that i want. they even have a fantastic record player that looks so classy and even has a usb port so you can transfer your album record to your computer. YES PLEASE!

ended the day at ensign peak:

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week with e & h

i'm helping my aunt and uncle with the girls for a few days, and brought my camera.
more on the way!

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march snow + sophia's hair cut

falling snow is so fascinating. it enchants me, and i love seeing it in photos:




it's been way too long since i pointed my camera at this beautiful baby. she obliged me today when i requested a quick shoot in the snow. i'm so glad she did:

this hair cut is the consequense of sophia taking scissors to her own hair multiple times in 10 days and a resulting visit to the hair dresser. i miss the adorable ponytail on top of her head, but the short hair is cute too:)



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spa night

check out my personal blog to see more pictures from the giant sleepover party/retreat my aunt hosted last weekend for the women in our family:D


just dance (wii game):

my mom flew in from texas to party with us. me and mom:
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circus birthday extravaganza

my cousin e turned 3 last week and on saturday her parents threw a giant and amazing circus themed party for all of the kids. i love living close to family, because of things like this. it's so fun to get together with everyone!!!


e:

there was pretzel dough to shape into animals we would like to tame. turns out dover is the king, i loved his galloping giraffe!!!!

face painting happened:)





there's nothing better than same-age cousins to be best friends with:

there were some awesome games planned. the kids got to take turns wearing a lion's mane and then give their best roar before jumping through the hoop. they each were awarded an awesome nick name.





next, the kids had a costume contest- the kid with the most pieces on won. the outfits they put together were AWESOME:)


i was really digging sophia's katy perry hair:






my aunt and uncle are amazing. this was such a rad party:) Pin It Now!