Sunday, August 12, 2012

i'm baaack // words about dependency

you may be asking what happened to my creative momentum on this site the past week. um:

- got new job
- training for said job
- figuring out living arrangement
- sniveling about hobo/homeless bohemian gypsy lifestyle to anyone with an ear and 5 hours of pity
- relapse in my raging addiction to desperate housewives (i'm on season 7, dude)
- thrift store binges

most of my adult life i have complained about dependency. it infuriates me to no end to be dependent on anyone for anything- having to admit that i have needs and admitting that i can't be 100% independent of the human race. i have an enormously obscene and fragile ego which needs constant affirmation, and when i alone am insufficient in providing for myself in any way (emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, socially), the ugly Ego nashes it's teeth and desires to destroy expensive things.

this Ego has incessantly played the "shoulds" over and over in my mind: i SHOULD be able to financially support myself 100%, i SHOULD be able to figure this out on my own, i SHOULD be trying harder, i SHOULDN'T have such a hard time being a sober woman, i SHOULDN'T need a second opinion on major decisions, and i SHOULD have my life pulled together with it's face clean and hair brushed in sunday best, a pressed white shirt waiting for a spaghetti dinner.

well guess what? i occasionally need a friend to cry with. sometimes i just can't make it on my own because i can't make enough money to take care of myself. every once in a while, staying sober is really difficult for me and i need support from other people who know what i'm dealing with and have been there. i need to have individual and community successes. sometimes i even NEED people to let go of me, and if fall on my face i will be stronger (and sport a lot more facial callouses- baby BABY).

the truth is, nobody "has it all together," we just expect the people we care about to have composed themselves by squashing out their particular brand of crazy dysfunction. the thought is: "i can solve your problems and whats-the-matter-with-you for not taking suggestion! by the way, don't try to give ME advice because i'm either going to shoot you down or ignore you completely."

all of this makes me separate. being determined to arrive at true independence isolates me emotionally. this thinking sets me apart from humanity under the false and somewhat subconscious pretense that i'm actually above you not in this with you.

the truth: i am not better and i am not worse than any other human being. you need me as much as i need you even though i occasionally resent you for it.

today i met the little kids with autism that i'm going to be working 1x1 with for my new job. i had an epiphany that shifted my attitude of separateness and pride.

see, we all have the same basic needs, the difference between higher and lower functioning individuals is that lower functioning people aren't able to communicate what those are and they need assistance a lot more profoundly. example, babies vs. teens. also, with the special kids that are non verbal or struggling to figure this world out, there's a lot of guessing, testing, prompting, and therapy to figure out what they need and help them learn how to communicate those needs more effectively.

by the way, people with autism prefer to stay in their own world. they like alone time, avoid interaction, and try to isolate as much as possible in one way or another. as therapists, our job is to help these kids integrate and learn how to do for themselves as much as they're capable of, and ask for help with the rest. they are pushed to join the social, physical, and emotional aspects of society, so they can be as typical as possible, and here i am resenting the fact that i already know how to do it and just don't want to because i'm "above" .. waah?

some of my needs are met through experience and retention when i've been taught how to do things for myself. the most critical is that of being able to ASK for help when i'm not enough on my own. i need other people and tonight i'm sincerely grateful that i am capable of asking for help when i am in need, and for reaching my own hand out to other beating hearts.

on an semi-related note, i realize i was going to post a journal prompt and i failed to do so this past week. here's a topic in case anyone wishes to join, or wants to follow my process. basically whatever stood out to you in this post, do a page about! here's mine:

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