i'm baaack // words about dependency

you may be asking what happened to my creative momentum on this site the past week. um:

- got new job
- training for said job
- figuring out living arrangement
- sniveling about hobo/homeless bohemian gypsy lifestyle to anyone with an ear and 5 hours of pity
- relapse in my raging addiction to desperate housewives (i'm on season 7, dude)
- thrift store binges

most of my adult life i have complained about dependency. it infuriates me to no end to be dependent on anyone for anything- having to admit that i have needs and admitting that i can't be 100% independent of the human race. i have an enormously obscene and fragile ego which needs constant affirmation, and when i alone am insufficient in providing for myself in any way (emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, socially), the ugly Ego nashes it's teeth and desires to destroy expensive things.

this Ego has incessantly played the "shoulds" over and over in my mind: i SHOULD be able to financially support myself 100%, i SHOULD be able to figure this out on my own, i SHOULD be trying harder, i SHOULDN'T have such a hard time being a sober woman, i SHOULDN'T need a second opinion on major decisions, and i SHOULD have my life pulled together with it's face clean and hair brushed in sunday best, a pressed white shirt waiting for a spaghetti dinner.

well guess what? i occasionally need a friend to cry with. sometimes i just can't make it on my own because i can't make enough money to take care of myself. every once in a while, staying sober is really difficult for me and i need support from other people who know what i'm dealing with and have been there. i need to have individual and community successes. sometimes i even NEED people to let go of me, and if fall on my face i will be stronger (and sport a lot more facial callouses- baby BABY).

the truth is, nobody "has it all together," we just expect the people we care about to have composed themselves by squashing out their particular brand of crazy dysfunction. the thought is: "i can solve your problems and whats-the-matter-with-you for not taking suggestion! by the way, don't try to give ME advice because i'm either going to shoot you down or ignore you completely."

all of this makes me separate. being determined to arrive at true independence isolates me emotionally. this thinking sets me apart from humanity under the false and somewhat subconscious pretense that i'm actually above you not in this with you.

the truth: i am not better and i am not worse than any other human being. you need me as much as i need you even though i occasionally resent you for it.

today i met the little kids with autism that i'm going to be working 1x1 with for my new job. i had an epiphany that shifted my attitude of separateness and pride.

see, we all have the same basic needs, the difference between higher and lower functioning individuals is that lower functioning people aren't able to communicate what those are and they need assistance a lot more profoundly. example, babies vs. teens. also, with the special kids that are non verbal or struggling to figure this world out, there's a lot of guessing, testing, prompting, and therapy to figure out what they need and help them learn how to communicate those needs more effectively.

by the way, people with autism prefer to stay in their own world. they like alone time, avoid interaction, and try to isolate as much as possible in one way or another. as therapists, our job is to help these kids integrate and learn how to do for themselves as much as they're capable of, and ask for help with the rest. they are pushed to join the social, physical, and emotional aspects of society, so they can be as typical as possible, and here i am resenting the fact that i already know how to do it and just don't want to because i'm "above" .. waah?

some of my needs are met through experience and retention when i've been taught how to do things for myself. the most critical is that of being able to ASK for help when i'm not enough on my own. i need other people and tonight i'm sincerely grateful that i am capable of asking for help when i am in need, and for reaching my own hand out to other beating hearts.

on an semi-related note, i realize i was going to post a journal prompt and i failed to do so this past week. here's a topic in case anyone wishes to join, or wants to follow my process. basically whatever stood out to you in this post, do a page about! here's mine:

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a word about clothing..

dear internet,

i want to officially announce that my days in sweats are over- i've been defined by my "uniform" and i have finally shed it at the end of 5 long years. the past 3 weeks have been a storm of self discovery, new meds to tone down the psycho, several anonymous meetings (AA, for example. admitting this in the spirit of transparency..), and solidifying the life i want. i've been frantically searching for a job, working on a million projects for my biz which will be appearing on my blog over the next few weeks, and spending time with fantastic friends who support me in a special kind of way.

i was talking to one of these friends and had this realization: the way i dress has never been for me. i've worn sweats as a defense, they have kept me safe from men and from myself. the nice clothes i've bought have been to impress or seduce, and whenever i've been shopping and liked something, i have consistently thought "eh, this is nice but i can't afford this. what's the point in getting it when it won't get me anything or protect me from the world (aka the theme of my sweats days)? no, i definitely can't afford this." how sad is that?

anyway this friend pointed this out to me and for some reason it was a big A-HA moment and the next day i went to ross and bought 3 sundresses. i've wanted cute sundresses for a while but they always seemed like an unnecessary expense because i wanted them for ME. now i realize that i literally can't afford anything that ISN'T for me. it's not about money, it's about self love and validation. i've never been GOOD enough for something i liked to be worth the expense, yet what i was buying fed my unhealthy self image on two ends of the extreme spectrum.. amazing how crazy my mind can be in it's deception.

as of this week, i've worn a dress everyday, even when i've been sitting at home. it's okay to feel pretty, that doesn't make me VULNERABLE and/or SLUTTY (depending on how i'm dressing up or down). i have a friend who's going to photograph me in one of my dresses with my camera soon:) i'm excited to be on the other side of the camera for the exact reason i love photographing other people- to show them the beauty that is inherently theirs and to spark or solidify self-love. i'm a strong, capable, independent woman. i dress for myself now, it doesn't matter to me if others like what they see. the important thing is that I DO now, and that my friends, is priceless.



so now i want to ask YOU: what is it that you neglect when it comes to yourself? how have you perpetuated old ideas about the "truth" lies you've believed about yourself or your circumstances? what do you want to do to break the cycle, because believe me, whoever you are you are good enough and you deserve to be loved, by your Self. after all, our reality is just a compilation of the stories we make up based on our experiences, and the TRUTH is so much bigger than that.

love,
heather Pin It Now!