facetime

chatting with my sister last night made my day:




just to let y'all know, i'm going to be incommunicado for the next 6 weeks so the blog is going to be quiet again. i pray this is the last time i have to take a break from life to finish figuring things out so i'm capable of living life on life's terms. i'm going to come back so much stronger, fiercer, and more determined than ever. i have a lot to offer the world so i'm not giving up the fight against my demons. wish me luck! Pin It Now!

a recent conversation with god

i have a funny relationship with god as i understand god (thanks AA for the phrasing:). it's been pretty strained at times, but recently we've been getting along.

this is what our relationship has looked like in the past:

a few days ago, i interrupted god in the middle of whatever god was up to, having basically a hysterical fit. i imagine that before this interruption god was hanging out with someone else who's equally cool, and was like

"hey, look at my kid heather down there. she's so awesome. i freaking love that kid. i'm so crazy about her. oh, ha ha look at what she's doing now, oh geez, watch, she's going to call me in 10 seconds..

9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. yep, how's it going heather?"

and i'm doing this:

me:    "I CAN'T EFFING DO THIS ANYMORE!!! i have tried and tried and tried and tried and TRIED!!! i'm too tired to get back up. you suck. can you send me large sums of cash so i can quit being tempted to make money in alternative and STUPID ways? i can't freaking concentrate on being healthy and good, because i have no money. i'm going crazy. if i don't get money i'm going to be STUPID again. you KNOW money is my biggest trigger!!!"

and then i'm like: 

god:   "i love you so much. i'll help you out if you get out of the way (cue music "move b****" by ludicrous)"

later that day i went to an AA meeting and afterwords this man walked by, dropped $10 in my purse, winked, and said "don't do anything stupid."

NOT EVEN KIDDING.

and i say "thanks god, but next time can you send $100?"

KIDDING.

i start crying and pray real quick: "okay. i'll let you drive" and then relief, i feel like i'm not alone.

but i really hate trusting something i can't see, quantify, or understand, and it's uncomfortable. i get angry that i can't control things, and that i need something outside myself to make it, i feel weak, i feel like a failure. i try to take back control so i'm like

"eff you" and god's like "i love you" and then we laugh because i'm so freaking ridiculous. and we're a winning team, it's mostly god because i'm pretty powerless and god is pretty powerful, so it works.

god's so crazy about me. it feels good.

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hello, moment

guess what.. today was GREAT! i know, right- when do i say those words without sarcasm dripping from my lips like sludge? here's why: i painted ceramics with my baby cousins, kissed hugged and loved them, and ate at in-n-out burger. these kids are the only things i really enjoy about being in utah, especially when it's sub-zero outside (ANGRY FACE).

here's the mug i painted, the colors will be totally different after they've fired it or whatever:
 

this is something i say sometimes when i do quick meditations during the day (particularly when near seizure inducing anxiety attacks strangle me);

(breathe in)

"hello moment,"

(breathe out)

"i am here."

i have found it necessary to be an active member in AA, and they preach this thing called "ONE DAY AT A TIME." sometimes i make a personal amendment and take things one MINUTE at a time- this is a good practice even if you aren't a crazy, insane, newly-sober alcoholic like myself.

in my worst moments, the past can be an ankle weight dragging me to the bottom of a really toxic lake to drown, and the future can feel so terrifying that i feel like a deranged maniac just pushed me out of a plane at 10,000 ft without a parachute.

breathing, meditating, and becoming intentionally aware of myself in the present is a new coping skill i've developed to help in these emotional situations. typically i just self medicate, but i'm growing weary of the clean up, plus the benefits have dwindled down to none. self soothing is much more effective, albeit less instantaneous.

my favorite is to start my morning with a hot cup of coffee and meditate. i put this bit on my mug to remind me when i'm alone with myself. i can't go back to yesterday and i'm not promised tomorrow, and remembering to be present in the, well, present, is helpful when i'm overwhelmed. actually, it's great for happiness, not just relief! i am able to feel gratitude, peace, hope, joy, and let go of fear. no matter what circumstances i find myself in, i can go within and acknowledge that in the moment i am here, i am aware, and i am safe. Pin It Now!

tired of being in transit

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