I've been in California for a few days with family and it's doing wonders. I spent today on the beach in Santa Cruz, fabulous, and took a nap in the sun.I'm thinking, reading, journaling. Today the most profound thing I read was about this idea that emotions are true- they are the effect, a reaction to a cause. The cause is believing something, which may or may not be true, but our feelings are always directly from our integrity. Also, it is critical to listen to my thoughts without believing them automatically. In order to really be authentic I need to be aware of my emotions and instead of stuff, lie about or deny them, simply be aware of them. My feelings are a reaction to my beliefs, which are based on the stories I tell myself. These stories are what I make up about my perception, which isn't reality, but is my reality. If I don't like how things are or how I feel, I can change my beliefs, particularly about myself.
This was prompted by a book I'm reading called "the voice of knowledge" by Miguel Ruiz. It's very thought provoking and a lot of it resonates with my soul. It's a guide to inner peace, which essentially is what happens when we quiet the voice in our heads. When I read that I immediately agreed, my lack of peace is a direct result from the chaotic and abusive crap that is constantly whirring in my brain. He says that what the voice is saying is just what what we know based on our perception. I can listen without believing, judging, or criticizing what my mind tells me. What a concept! This simple idea is a total "duh" that I obviously have missed or not realized/internalized (seriously, re-read my last post! Ugh)..
I want to write more as I read more, share my thoughts and opinions. I'm curious about what anyone else's perspective is, so if you want to start a conversation I'd be thrilled.
I've made a list of what I really want:
- Inner peace so I can be content, wherever I am with myself
- Financial independence
- to write
- to dance
- to have my own space somewhere- my own home place
- to get my bachelors degree
- photographic fulfillment
I had a horrible dream last night about trying to convince people of something terrible that had happened to me. I realized today that tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of when that terrible thing happened in real life which became a catalyst for significant change and confusion in my life. This event also triggered a lot of repressed memories that still haunt me. I'm avoiding being direct, I don't know if I can be that vulnerable yet, but as I stated in my last post, I'm trying to be honest and I want to be authentic- so, I'm sharing vaguely the reason but more importantly the feeling of where I am right now which is really sad and also grateful. I am surrounded by family, my goal for the next three days is to love and enjoy these people in the moment and try to start this new thing of letting people in with them. I want to connect, I want to trust, I want to let people actively love me, and I'm willing to be open to it.
Right now I'm laying in a hotel bed with my sister, the lights are out and my parents are falling asleep in the bed next to us. I belong with these people and yet sometimes I feel so alone. This isn't anyone's fault, I want things to be different.
I've always wanted to be a dancer. I had this thought just now- as long as I dance, I AM. I don't have to be anything fancy, I simply just need to start to move and I become a dancer.
Forgive me for being all over the place tonight, the randomness in my mind is leaking onto my blog and I feel too exhausted to organize or edit what I'm saying right now.
- Posted from my iPhone
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